When Mortality Visits
How ought we live, knowing it’s coming?
My brother-in-law died last week.
Whenever someone close to me, or to the family, dies, I find myself intensely thinking about death. But the thoughts go beyond grieving, they go as far as noticing that beneath the sadness, there’s something else. Something I usually live without much awareness of: my mortality.
Perhaps you're with me on this… I don’t walk around thinking about my own death. I plan for the future, I eat, I write, and I go through the small rituals of living, all the while assuming there will be a tomorrow. This isn’t an intentional forgetting. It just happens. I tend to keep death at arm’s length, as if not thinking about it makes it less real. But when someone close to me dies, the veil lifts. Mortality visits, places a hand on my shoulder, and briefly asks, “Remember me?”
How We See Death
For some of us, to be reminded of death is to realise that at some point we’ll cease to exist. That there will be no more thoughts, sensations, noticing. No being. And try as we might, we can’t imagine what it means for consciousness to end. You see, it’s difficult to imagine non-existence because all imagining is grounded in experience. We draw from what we sense, what we remember, what we have known. So, not only is non-existence unfamiliar, but it also resists comprehension. Because we have no form for it in our inner world.
So, what does it mean to exist and then not? Well, the question lingers, with answers not from within it1, but about it. Because not everyone sees death as finality. For many, death is not an end but a threshold for a form of existence that escapes our understanding. But whatever our beliefs may be, death invites the same question: how ought we live, knowing death is coming?
This isn’t a rhetorical question. It’s one that truly begs an answer.
How we Live
Most of us live in avoidance. Not necessarily of death itself, but of what it means to exist. We drift into appearances, roles, and busyness. This is not because we’re shallow, but because it’s easier. Easier than confronting the uncertainty and weight of being alive. Kierkegaard saw this clearly.
But he also believed that something changes when we stop avoiding, when we take responsibility for our lives and stop letting it be shaped by everything outside of us. And perhaps that’s where mortality has something to offer. By telling us that when faced honestly, death can pull us away from imitation and into a life that is marked by sincerity and choice.
There’s evidence for this in psychology. Greenberg and colleagues found that even subtle reminders of death can shift our behaviour [1,2]. In a series of (old) studies, they asked participants to reflect on their own mortality (what we call mortality salience). They saw that participants often became more reflective, more focused on relationships, and drawn to actions they hoped would matter beyond the present. This shows us that even a brief moment of awareness about death is enough to change how we live.
So, mortality doesn’t just take something from us. Mortality also guides us toward what to do with the time we have. And this is something Heidegger reflected on.
Where Our Time Goes
Heidegger observed we forget that life is finite, that our time is limited. And in that forgetting, we lose the urgency to live our lives in a way that’s truly ours. He called this forgetfulness ‘inauthentic living’. Note that this isn’t about being fake, it is about living as if time were endless. It’s a paradox we see everywhere. In modern life, time often feels sparse; we rush, we chase, we complain there’s never enough of it. And yet we treat time as if it were disposable. We scroll, we postpone, we fill our days with noise.
We know time is not endless. But we often live as if it were.
But Heidegger also believed we could live differently. He called this being-toward-death, accepting death not as a threat or something to be pushed aside, but as a way of remembering what’s truly important. To live this way is to resist drifting. It’s to let mortality sharpen our choices, our words, our use of time. Surely, this isn’t comforting. Yet, for Heidegger, the cost of looking away was higher.
But then someone passes away, and it’s no longer just philosophy.
When It Becomes Personal
My brother-in-law died of a heart attack. Just like that. No warning. No time to prepare. He's gone and I am here, writing this. Aware of my own breathing, of the life surrounding me. You’re here too, reading this. And for now we’re both aware of something we usually push aside.
This awareness won’t stay. It never does. Life will crowd in again, as it always does. There will be tasks and noise and the busyness of the everyday. Even the reminder to live more deliberately will be drowned out by the rush of my commitments and pressures.
And, of course, nothing has been resolved. The mystery remains, death still waits (soon just out of view). And the question ‘how ought we live, knowing it is coming?’ will return again when something else reminds me.
I wonder if it’s enough to have paused for a moment. To have looked, just briefly, at what I spend most of my life trying not to see.
Perhaps this is what mortality does when it visits me. A brief hand on my shoulder, reminding me to look up.
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Reference List:
[1] Greenberg, J., Pyszczynski, T., & Solomon, S. (1986). The causes and consequences of a need for self-esteem: A terror management theory. In R. F. Baumeister (Ed.), Public self and private self (pp. 189–212). Springer.
]2] Greenberg, J., Solomon, S., & Pyszczynski, T. (1997). Terror management theory of self-esteem and cultural worldviews: Empirical assessments and conceptual refinements. In M. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in Experimental Social Psychology (Vol. 29, pp. 61–139). Academic Press.
Heidegger, M. (1962). Being and Time (J. Macquarrie & E. Robinson, Trans.). Harper & Row. (Original work published 1927)
Kierkegaard, S. (1989). The Sickness Unto Death (H. V. Hong & E. H. Hong, Trans.). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1849)
Some people have reported near-death experiences (NDEs), personal accounts where consciousness seems to continue despite clinical signs of death. These accounts vary widely and are deeply individual.
I do not think of death at all. Not in the sense that something or someone that was once animated and full of life, and individual value suddenly no longer possesses such. Perhaps it's a way for me to better deal with the idea of it, but the jury is still out on that. While I do not have thoughts in that context, I do continually see an end to things.
I heard something in a movie once. Someone said "as far as I am concerned, bacon comes from a magical happy place". It wasn't obvious to me then, or since, but now I think there might just be more wisdom to that statement than I had considered. There is a companion saying I heard elsewhere ( cant recall where, which is mildly frustrating ) but it was a comedian of some kind, describing the Netherlands. He said that the people there are largely responded to the topic of death and the like with a question of their own "Do you remember what it was like before you were born?" To which the obvious answer was No. They responded with "Thats what death will be like".
There comes the subjective nature to all things I think. For me, the idea was one that brought me comfort. Not because I have any fear of being punished in some eternal hell for some perceived evil I committed, but because it seemed like the best I could hope for in the event of my death. "Finally," I thought, "I can set this weight down." A weight I no longer could even tell you how I amassed it. It's self imposed, for sure, and a weight that I should not carry, but I do. I risk another 5 paragraphs if I elaborate more on that, so I'll spare you.
That hand you feel in such moments as you described...when it rests on my own shoulder there is no words at all. Perhaps that's because it's what I need most in those moments. In my teen years I got it into my head that crying at funerals for me, is a shameful thing. Why do we cry when someone close to us is no longer with us? It's for the loss, the emptiness that we feel inside. It SHOULD be for the things they lost, not the impact that loss has on us. For anyone who might read that and get the wrong idea: this is not a healthy view of death and loss. It's not inaccurate, but also most people could do far better than to adopt a view such as mine. It just works for me as I need it to, everyone else has a process that works for them, I hope.
As for being unable to get your mind wrapped around consciousness being gone, I think remembering birth part from earlier gives a pretty good framework for doing just that. Another one of those moments were two things can be true at once. You are correct, I think, in that we need to lean on experience to have a decent way to predict. It's just not the only way.
How ought we live, when we also know that death comes for us all? Exactly as you are, I think. If I have any beliefs that I can only loosely point to good examples of why I hold them it would be my belief that what comes around goes around. It's one idea that is a requirement for me because were the bad never punished, and the good never rewarded, It would be far more difficult to be a good person for me. As usual, not for the most obvious reason. I have zero desire to do harm to anyone, to possess something I did not earn, or strive for. My worldview tells me that it's likely the rest of the world does not collectively feel the same way. That's a road I do not want to dwell on. I've likely already selfishly, and unintentionally tried to grandstand here. My only defense is that the post did posit questions, and I am nothing if not always needing the least bit of reason to give an idea the attention I can summon to pick it apart, to understand better.
You said:
Most of us live in avoidance. Not necessarily of death itself, but of what it means to exist. We drift into appearances, roles, and busyness. This is not because we’re shallow, but because it’s easier. Easier than confronting the uncertainty and weight of being alive
That strikes me as odd. I do live in avoidance of anything that requires me to socialize even briefly. However, I actively refuse to "drift into appearances, roles, or busyness" because a deeply held, core belief for me is that I will be who I want to be. Others perception of me is a factor, but it is not so big of one that I will ever change who I am unless I come to see some aspect of myself as being inadequate, or dishonorable, or evil. I will not allow those things to exist in my self.
I'd say you are also correct, or rather Kierkegaard ( what a bad ass name ) was. I do not imitate, as far as I am aware and my life is full of sincerety and choice. All things are choices in our day to day lives I think, even if many of them are ones made without realizing it, and the more I stay aware of my choices, I think they automatically become sincere.
Greenberg and et all.....I think I'd take from their work as a sign that some of the best, most human traits come from the ability to reflect on oneself. I would imagine many people would not enjoy having a self image that is perhaps on the more rough side of mortality. Generally, I think people are aware of when they are being a bag of broken hammers, but also only really care when someone else is also counting those hammers. I reflect on my days each and every night. If I found myself in an argument, being irrational, or feel as if some unfairness had crept in on my part of against me. This is another requirement for me for reasons I do not care to share at this time, but I think doing so should be done by everyone is possible. Problems can only be corrected if were aware of them, and see them as problems.
I feel like I was all over the place in this comment, but I also am aware that if I was all over the place, it's a reflection of the depth of your post to begin wiith. To close, I will put it out there that I am not qualified to offer advice or guidance to someone who has spent a far greater amount of time and effort into understanding the human condition. Further, unasked for opinions are rarely ever recieved with warmth. So instead, I tell my own story. It's not because I am arrogant, or self centered, I hope. It's because it's the only way I know of that allows me to in some small way, share the pain, maybe making it somewhat easier for someone else.
I am sorry for your loss. Be Well.
They say you'll only know when you experience the same yourself... And i've been through this. Whenever someone close to me dies, first i feel the mortality hand pat on my shoulder. Then after a week it all feels like a dream. Like that person never existed in my real life but in my dreams. I think my brain plays tricks on me so i won't give up on living and so it denies their existence after their deaths. It's just so difficult to put into words. But yeah death prepares me for my departure as well. I try not to waste my life that i have no idea how much is remaining. I clear up my mind and do all the things today i left for tomorrow. Life is short! I remind myself over and over ...