Leon, thank you for this raw, unflinching glimpse into what it’s like to live with PTSD. So much of what you wrote hit straight into that quiet ache....the isolation, the hyper vigilance, the avoidance of places that seem completely harmless to others but feel like danger zones to us.
As someone who lives with CPTSD, I saw myself in so many parts of your story. The guilt over pulling away from people. The shame of being constantly on edge. The exhaustion of trying to hold it together in a world that has no idea what you’re carrying. It’s not the same, of course....our paths and triggers differ but the underlying thread of survival and weariness and relentless self-management feels deeply familiar.
What stood out most was the maze in your recurring nightmare. That image… it’s haunting and honest. For me, CPTSD has often felt like a maze of emotional landmines...built in childhood and reinforced over years. It’s not always about a single traumatic incident, but the slow erosion of safety, trust, and identity. And healing often feels like wandering that same maze in the dark, just trying not to lose myself again.
Thank you for naming the messy truth: that survival doesn’t always look strong or brave....it often looks like not falling apart in public. And yet, your willingness to speak this truth is a kind of strength. I know how much courage it takes to live with this and still reach out to help others. You’re doing something powerful just by being honest.
Wishing you gentler days ahead. And from one survivor to another....thank you. 🤍
Thanks so much for your kind words. PTSD seems to be a unique condition in that it brings people with vastly different experiences to the same desperation - the flashbacks, the avoidance, the hypervigilance all caused by different things but all equally devastating.
You not only hold it together, you bring up two sons who I can tell from your notes and articles are wonderful and a credit to you. You've done all that with the weight of PTSD on your back. That's amazing and it definitely looks brave to those of us who know the pain.
Any experience with EMDR or brainspotting? Or other somatic therapies for re-processing trauma?
EMDR was one of the hardest best parts of my therapy journey. Of course, there seem to be multiple hardest best parts. And of course each one of us is unique in our experiences.
Thanks for sharing your story with such honesty. I appreciated your comments about withdrawing from people as one way to avoid triggers. And never quite knowing how much to tell or what to tell. It's true that those who've experienced it seem to be the easiest to spend time with. They get it.
Yeah, I had EMDR on three separate occasions. It was interesting because the first time I had it, I'd only experienced one trauma. The EMDR worked well enough for it to be recommended that I return to work.
Big mistake.
More traumas piled on and so I had EMDR again - this time it was useless. 6 months later I tried again - also useless.
So for me, EMDR worked with one trauma but failed after multiple.
I've never heard of brainspotting so I'm off to google that now!
Well, I have learned that there is not any "one thing" that has helped. It's been multi-factorial and layered.
I believe the EMDR has been very helpful. Although it was over multiple sessions and we used it at several separate points along the way. In other words, a series of sessions at Point 1. Then some months later (maybe even a year later?) another series of sessions. For me, it was not the absolute "fix" that some folks experience. Also for me, my trauma is complex from childhood so not as quick to recover as single-incident trauma. From what I read.
It was immensely helpful for getting my PFC out of the way and allowing suppressed emotions and feelings to come to my awareness, and removed enough of my resistance to acknowledging hard things (like hating God) that in that place of relative neurological vulnerability and therapeutic safety, I was able to verbalize what needed to be spoken, so that it could begin to be healed.
Somatic experiencing by Peter Levine may also be of interest. He has some fascinating stories in his books.
My recovery has included therapy (EMDR, CBT, 12-step principles, and more), acupuncture, and functional med support for hormones/neuro. And I have used a lot of homeopathy (not "home remedies" or nutrition or supplements but actually homeopathic medicine which is highly diluted natural substances made in a homeopathic pharmacy by precise methods).
You certainly are brave. I had no idea you still suffered. Is it for life? I, too, struggled with depression and had some very dark days. I’m alcoholic and I would curl up to Jenny, wailing, trying to decide whether I should drink or kill myself. Medication, when we found the right combination (I’m bipolar), helped a great deal. Two of my doctors had issue with one of them as it’s involvement with my mild cognitive impairment, so we may be making some changes which scares me. It might have a benefit though: helping me feel my emotions. I’m pretty numb. There I go - can’t keep my mouth shut, going on and on. This is supposed to be about you. Im so sorry (this isn’t pity) you have to endure all this strife. Bless Amy. Thank God she’s there - or I’ll thank God. Leon, thank you for your courageous story of your life.
According to the experts I am 100% disabled for the rest of my life. I don't believe or accept that diagnosis which is how I have been able to heal as much as I have. But I will always have times where I struggle and it doesn't take much to knock me back so I have learned to be very gentle and kind to myself.
Thanks so much for the kind words. I'm so sorry to read of your struggles. I would also be scared about the medication change, but it would be amazing if it helps you feel emotions. I've heard that from so many other people on meds for their mental health - that it strips them of their emotions. Thankfully that's one side effect I've never had.
Also, the illness if the slave...inherent trauma passed down from generation to generation. Don't box an illness into a single demographic, also the "brave" who slave for "their county", playing toy soldiers under the impression they're doing something positive for "their country", are considered pawns / sheep who are exploited for "war" (really stealing land and pillaging resources).
Leon, thank you for this raw, unflinching glimpse into what it’s like to live with PTSD. So much of what you wrote hit straight into that quiet ache....the isolation, the hyper vigilance, the avoidance of places that seem completely harmless to others but feel like danger zones to us.
As someone who lives with CPTSD, I saw myself in so many parts of your story. The guilt over pulling away from people. The shame of being constantly on edge. The exhaustion of trying to hold it together in a world that has no idea what you’re carrying. It’s not the same, of course....our paths and triggers differ but the underlying thread of survival and weariness and relentless self-management feels deeply familiar.
What stood out most was the maze in your recurring nightmare. That image… it’s haunting and honest. For me, CPTSD has often felt like a maze of emotional landmines...built in childhood and reinforced over years. It’s not always about a single traumatic incident, but the slow erosion of safety, trust, and identity. And healing often feels like wandering that same maze in the dark, just trying not to lose myself again.
Thank you for naming the messy truth: that survival doesn’t always look strong or brave....it often looks like not falling apart in public. And yet, your willingness to speak this truth is a kind of strength. I know how much courage it takes to live with this and still reach out to help others. You’re doing something powerful just by being honest.
Wishing you gentler days ahead. And from one survivor to another....thank you. 🤍
Thanks so much for your kind words. PTSD seems to be a unique condition in that it brings people with vastly different experiences to the same desperation - the flashbacks, the avoidance, the hypervigilance all caused by different things but all equally devastating.
You not only hold it together, you bring up two sons who I can tell from your notes and articles are wonderful and a credit to you. You've done all that with the weight of PTSD on your back. That's amazing and it definitely looks brave to those of us who know the pain.
Any experience with EMDR or brainspotting? Or other somatic therapies for re-processing trauma?
EMDR was one of the hardest best parts of my therapy journey. Of course, there seem to be multiple hardest best parts. And of course each one of us is unique in our experiences.
Thanks for sharing your story with such honesty. I appreciated your comments about withdrawing from people as one way to avoid triggers. And never quite knowing how much to tell or what to tell. It's true that those who've experienced it seem to be the easiest to spend time with. They get it.
Yeah, I had EMDR on three separate occasions. It was interesting because the first time I had it, I'd only experienced one trauma. The EMDR worked well enough for it to be recommended that I return to work.
Big mistake.
More traumas piled on and so I had EMDR again - this time it was useless. 6 months later I tried again - also useless.
So for me, EMDR worked with one trauma but failed after multiple.
I've never heard of brainspotting so I'm off to google that now!
How are you doing now after going through EMDR?
Well, I have learned that there is not any "one thing" that has helped. It's been multi-factorial and layered.
I believe the EMDR has been very helpful. Although it was over multiple sessions and we used it at several separate points along the way. In other words, a series of sessions at Point 1. Then some months later (maybe even a year later?) another series of sessions. For me, it was not the absolute "fix" that some folks experience. Also for me, my trauma is complex from childhood so not as quick to recover as single-incident trauma. From what I read.
It was immensely helpful for getting my PFC out of the way and allowing suppressed emotions and feelings to come to my awareness, and removed enough of my resistance to acknowledging hard things (like hating God) that in that place of relative neurological vulnerability and therapeutic safety, I was able to verbalize what needed to be spoken, so that it could begin to be healed.
Somatic experiencing by Peter Levine may also be of interest. He has some fascinating stories in his books.
My recovery has included therapy (EMDR, CBT, 12-step principles, and more), acupuncture, and functional med support for hormones/neuro. And I have used a lot of homeopathy (not "home remedies" or nutrition or supplements but actually homeopathic medicine which is highly diluted natural substances made in a homeopathic pharmacy by precise methods).
You certainly are brave. I had no idea you still suffered. Is it for life? I, too, struggled with depression and had some very dark days. I’m alcoholic and I would curl up to Jenny, wailing, trying to decide whether I should drink or kill myself. Medication, when we found the right combination (I’m bipolar), helped a great deal. Two of my doctors had issue with one of them as it’s involvement with my mild cognitive impairment, so we may be making some changes which scares me. It might have a benefit though: helping me feel my emotions. I’m pretty numb. There I go - can’t keep my mouth shut, going on and on. This is supposed to be about you. Im so sorry (this isn’t pity) you have to endure all this strife. Bless Amy. Thank God she’s there - or I’ll thank God. Leon, thank you for your courageous story of your life.
According to the experts I am 100% disabled for the rest of my life. I don't believe or accept that diagnosis which is how I have been able to heal as much as I have. But I will always have times where I struggle and it doesn't take much to knock me back so I have learned to be very gentle and kind to myself.
Thanks so much for the kind words. I'm so sorry to read of your struggles. I would also be scared about the medication change, but it would be amazing if it helps you feel emotions. I've heard that from so many other people on meds for their mental health - that it strips them of their emotions. Thankfully that's one side effect I've never had.
Wishing you all the best!
Also, the illness if the slave...inherent trauma passed down from generation to generation. Don't box an illness into a single demographic, also the "brave" who slave for "their county", playing toy soldiers under the impression they're doing something positive for "their country", are considered pawns / sheep who are exploited for "war" (really stealing land and pillaging resources).
WAKE UP!!!