A Survivor Explains What It’s Like to Live With PTSD - The illness of the brave
Guest Post | Leon Macfayden - Mental Health Educator & Advocate
Leon has spent the last 20 years battling PTSD, a struggle that’s tested him in every possible way. In this compelling piece, he shares what it’s like to live with it day in and day out. Through patience, resilience, and deep self-discovery, Leon has found a way through, and now he dedicates his time to helping others facing their own mental health challenges.
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I was curled up in the fetal position, sobbing and shaking like a leaf. The cause of this nightmare had occurred years before, but I relived it as if it were happening in my lounge.
People were trying to help me — my mum and dad — but I didn’t see them. Physically I was present, but mentally I was outside a stinking tower block in the dead of night, witnessing an event of unprecedented horror and terrified out of my mind.
This is the reality of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I developed it through my work as a Police Officer. Unlike Depression — a symptom of PTSD that I defeated — I still live with and struggle with PTSD to this day.
I want to share with you what 20 years of PTSD looks like on a daily basis.
What’s life like with PTSD?
PTSD is an anxiety disorder caused by witnessing or experiencing stressful, frightening, or horrific events.
Someone with PTSD relives the event repeatedly and often wrestles with feelings of isolation, anger, and guilt.
The kinds of incidents leading to PTSD include:
Road accidents
Crimes such as sexual assault or robbery
Witnessing suicides or murders, or the immediate aftermath
Experiencing war
In my case, I used to be a Police Officer. I was exposed to repeated traumatic incidents in a short space of time. My life was also threatened on several occasions.
At my worst, I stay away from large crowds and noise. When I sit in restaurants, I have to face the door to assess who is coming and going. If someone startles me, the fight or flight response kicks in.
I isolate myself, so I don’t have to deal with the complications of people triggering my symptoms.
I’m on edge all the time, so I’m easily angered. If most people have a baseline of anger at zero, an annoying encounter might raise them to 20. But my baseline is already at 50. So such an encounter is enough to make me explode.
I’m cynical and bitter. I’ve no positive feelings toward humanity as a whole. I’ve seen people hurt each other in every way possible, and I prefer the company of dogs.
The nights are the worst. I get the same nightmare at least several times a week.
It’s the middle of the night, and I am stuck in a maze of tower blocks. The area is dimly lit with grotesque flickering lights. I need to escape, but people are jumping out of the tower blocks in different areas of the maze, and I don’t know where they are.
If I see one of these jumpers, the unwritten code is it will trigger my own suicide. Yet if I stay in the maze too long, I’ll go out of my mind with fear.
After 20 years of this dream, I’ve realized it’s all a sick trick — there is no way out of the maze, and I always find the jumpers…
Triggers and Flashbacks
I have to avoid things that may trigger memories of traumatic events. This means I cannot go near whole areas of nearby cities.
Recently I had to go to a medical appointment. Instead of driving right there, my mum had to accompany me, and we had to drive in a vast circular route to avoid all the hot spots.
As well as locations, other triggers include seeing Police Officers, the sound of sirens, reading about similar cases to the type I dealt with, scenes from movies, the look of some buildings, smells, names, and even a particular hair color.
Although I spend my time dodging these things, I get flashbacks nonetheless.
The good news is the flashbacks are nowhere near as frequent as they used to be. As described in my intro, they involve reliving events as if they’re happening now. Like a nightmare, except I’m awake.
I cry, sweat, and shake until the feeling passes. Avoiding all the triggers and still getting the flashback can be soul-destroying. It means I no longer drive because it’s not safe if I flashback.
Anxiety and Depression
I’ve written at length about my struggles with Depression. I used to wake up every day wishing I was dead but not having the courage or conviction to do anything about it.
My Depression resulted from loss. Loss of my job, dreams, and identity. Your brain can only be kicked around for so long before you get lower and more frightened than ever imagined.
The good news is I beat Depression after many years. No matter how bad the symptoms of PTSD get, nothing could compare to the pain I had when depressed.
The main reason I beat Depression was medication. Once the meds helped me regain control of myself, the love of my family and my determination to beat this illness got me to the finish line.
Difficulty forming and maintaining relationships
When you keep saying no to people, eventually they stop calling.
After I left the Police on medical grounds, I had friends who sometimes contacted me by phone. I dreaded talking to them.
I liked them, but they reminded me of my loss and triggered severe flashbacks. They would always suggest we meet up, and I always refused.
Because I have so many issues with others, I keep everyone at arm's length. I would rather not have friends than go through the turmoil of working out how much to tell them, finding excuses for when I have bad days, and dealing with their confused expressions as none of it makes sense to them.
The only people who understand are other sufferers of PTSD, and if they happen to be Police, I’m not able to talk to them.
Thankfully I’ve been with my partner for 19 years. Somehow she has stuck with me through all the bad times. She’s tolerated my anger, my Depression, and my mood swings.
I sometimes wonder WHY she has stuck around, but I’d be lost without her.
Coping strategies
Sadly I cannot prescribe a cure for PTSD as I have yet to discover it. However, several things help ease the pain.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Medication is a lifesaver for me and helps me reach a base level where I can function. Therapy has never worked for me, but some people report excellent results. Talk to a Doctor and be open to what they suggest.
I’ve learned how to take care of my mental health. I try to be kind to myself and factor rest into my schedule. I keep the stress in my life to a minimum, and I can tell when things are starting to get worse, at which point I take my foot off the pedal.
The productivity experts might groan, but I watch tv and even go on Tik Tok! Find activities you enjoy that don’t require much brain power or stress. Learn to be kind to yourself.
Find support. You don’t have to go out and meet hundreds of new people if you don’t want to. My support consists of my mum and partner. I can say anything to them without judgment, and they are there to talk to me whenever I need them. One trustworthy confidante will make all the difference.
Finally, try to adopt healthy lifestyle habits. Try to eat healthy because some medications make you gain weight. When you start feeling better, exercise will help you. You don’t have to run a marathon, but how about going for a walk?
Don’t beat yourself up if you stray from these healthy habits. Being kind to yourself is the most important thing.
Final thoughts
To get PTSD, you need to have endured something so far out of the range of everyday human experience that it would traumatize anyone.
I hope one day you’ll be proud of the person you’ve become. Yes, you have emotional scars, but you’re still going.
Other people may not always understand, and living with PTSD can be isolating. By sharing my story, I hope to break down the stigma surrounding PTSD so that other sufferers will come forward and admit they need help.
We all need to listen more and understand the experiences of trauma survivors to help them feel safe and supported.
PTSD is the illness of the brave.
Note from Dom:
Leon has also featured me on his newsletter.
If you’re interested, feel free to take a look at one of my posts there:
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Leon, thank you for this raw, unflinching glimpse into what it’s like to live with PTSD. So much of what you wrote hit straight into that quiet ache....the isolation, the hyper vigilance, the avoidance of places that seem completely harmless to others but feel like danger zones to us.
As someone who lives with CPTSD, I saw myself in so many parts of your story. The guilt over pulling away from people. The shame of being constantly on edge. The exhaustion of trying to hold it together in a world that has no idea what you’re carrying. It’s not the same, of course....our paths and triggers differ but the underlying thread of survival and weariness and relentless self-management feels deeply familiar.
What stood out most was the maze in your recurring nightmare. That image… it’s haunting and honest. For me, CPTSD has often felt like a maze of emotional landmines...built in childhood and reinforced over years. It’s not always about a single traumatic incident, but the slow erosion of safety, trust, and identity. And healing often feels like wandering that same maze in the dark, just trying not to lose myself again.
Thank you for naming the messy truth: that survival doesn’t always look strong or brave....it often looks like not falling apart in public. And yet, your willingness to speak this truth is a kind of strength. I know how much courage it takes to live with this and still reach out to help others. You’re doing something powerful just by being honest.
Wishing you gentler days ahead. And from one survivor to another....thank you. 🤍
Any experience with EMDR or brainspotting? Or other somatic therapies for re-processing trauma?
EMDR was one of the hardest best parts of my therapy journey. Of course, there seem to be multiple hardest best parts. And of course each one of us is unique in our experiences.
Thanks for sharing your story with such honesty. I appreciated your comments about withdrawing from people as one way to avoid triggers. And never quite knowing how much to tell or what to tell. It's true that those who've experienced it seem to be the easiest to spend time with. They get it.