This was such an interesting read, and that first paragraph about your husband being so deep in something late at night? That’s literally my hubby every evening, even though he knows the kids are up at 6.30am without fail. Then every morning, the same loud groan about being tired. The cycle continues. 😂
He used to live on four hours of sleep for years, like, proudly. Now, he sleeps longer but in batches (batch sleeping is now a concept, apparently). We're both self-employed and work from home, so he’s built this... custom sleep routine? I’ve told him over and over that the body always cashes the cheques the mind keeps writing.
This post really had me thinking though, maybe it’s not just about screens or habits, but identity. Masculinity. How rest doesn’t always feel earned unless it’s collapsed into. Interesting. Also hi 🙂
There are so many precious lines in this comment, Eunice. I’m honestly not sure where to begin. The image of your husband and his “custom sleep routine” made me smile. Also, thank you for introducing me to batch sleeping. But your observation about rest is, in my view, the most insightful of all: “it doesn’t always feel earned unless it’s collapsed into.”
That’s such a sharp observation & one I'll keep thinking about 🤔
I love this conversation. I see sleep as a debt i must pay daily. so, when I owe I personally see to it that I repay asap, because it might just be at the most dangerous occasion that the body would demand payment.
Thanks for igniting this salient part of our essence as humans.
Mojisola, this is the smartest thing I’ve heard, in terms of wellbeing, for quite a while. What a helpful mindset. I’m sending this to my husband straight away! :D
I have a love/hate relationship with sleep. I've never been a good sleeper. It's interesting for me to read about sleep procrastination. Sleeping with a partner is hard for me. There's nothing more frustrating when you can't sleep than to see your partner deep in slumber when it's 3:30am and your brain won't be quiet. It's taken me decades to get into a mindset that doesn't leave me cranky and moody. I read before I sleep. Whether that means two pages or two books. I just can't fuss about it. I just let my brain do its thing and turn off when it can. I can be super creative at all hours, and I thank insomnia for that. Once I'm asleep? I don't want to wake up! Thanks for this perspective. Love, Virg.
Hi Virg, I’m really glad this offered a new angle on something so familiar to you. Sleep sounds like it’s been a long, complicated companion, both a challenge and a space where your creativity lives. I also love reading books (fiction) in bed!
this was a beautiful and very pointed read, i'm guilty of procrastinating on sleep! it's something i am actively working on but i think it's a result of social pressure and confrontation, atleast for me. i'm surrounded by people who sleep extremely late (2am, 3am, even 6am!!), while i don't go to bed that late, there is a sense of having to catch up, as if by sleeping i am stealing away time from being productive and studying. studying late into the late is regarded as a mark of a great student. i think partly this comes from the structure of my society (days are packed with school and tuition). i also think it results from fear--a fear to confront certain memories. i think all procrastination in a way stems from aversion to confrontation. but nonetheless i am definitely making a shift in my routine and this essay was the perfect push in the right direction. thank you!!
Prakruthi, thank you for sharing such a rich and reflective response :)
You have articulated something so many of us feel but rarely pause to examine: the tension between societal rhythms & personal needs. That constant sense of having to “catch up” shows how deeply ideas of productivity have seeped into our relationship with time, even at night!
Studying late as a perceived mark of excellence is one of those persistent beliefs. It's unhelpful because it becomes an inaccurate internal measure of worth. And you are right. When our days are packed with constant activity, the night often becomes the only space left for avoidance or confrontation.
I agree with seeing procrastination as a form of aversion to confrontation. There is courage in recognising that, not just intellectually but emotionally :) I am glad to hear you are already making shifts in your routine. It is not always easy, especially when it means stepping outside the tempo of those around us! But small changes are often the ones that make the most significant changes in our wellbeing.
Thank you again for such an open and thoughtful reflection!
I totally understand, wanting to have extra time to win stuff after a busy day. However, if I don’t strictly guard my sleep hygiene, which includes after a certain time before bed at least an hour no screens then I pay the price the next day with a fuzzy head and I am not regulated emotionally. I can tend to be kind of weepy, which is not very helpful in my job as a therapist lol
There's so many reasons that contribute to my lack of sleep. This is definitely one of them! I don't think it helps that I feel more awake on a night than any other time. (delayed onset sleep disorder) Although I'm currently doing better with the addition of naps when I'm able.
Hey my friend 👋 this is a wake up call for me. So I'm not ginna, say more, need to figure out how I'm gonna fix this. The only thing I'll mention is that as one gets older it would seem you don't need eight hours of sleep i.e. an hour or two less sleep is notmal. This is what I got when I checked my own experience. Thanks again...
Hey Horseman, I love the way you're taking this in so openly! And yes, a lot of people do notice changes in their sleep patterns as they get older (even if the need for it doesn’t necessarily diminish for all of us). Wishing you steadiness as you figure out what works best for you <3
For as long as I can remember sleeping I have slept far less than the average person. In Highschool, I was the very picture of what you describe, staying up until 4am playing Diablo 2 or Counter-Strike before catching a couple hours of sleep before having to get to school. Never really noticed side effects of this until I was older, in my mid twenties. At that point in my life I was staying up for different reasons; I simply could not seem to get tired but there was a caveat in that awake as I generally felt, after enough time passed it was like the lost hours compounded until a point in which I slept for a full 8 hours, and then starting the clock over again.
Now, in my forties, sleep is the same familiar stranger to me but for yet another reason than prior ones. Nightmares. I generally do not remember my dreams. Maybe 2 or 3 a year will break through to my waking memory but I have been told on more than one occassion that I talk coherently, argue.....a lot....loudly, and thrash about. I can verify the last bit, as anyone that's ever been in the same bed as me while I sleep has been elbowed or struck in some manner, even my dogs, whom I love more than anything on this earth beyond my Mother.
Thing is that I still have sleep creep up on me in the same manner. As if the hours put on hold compound and then jump on me whenever the threshold is reached. I have never been able to fight sleep effectively, even now. It's like a timer is set from the point in which I feel sleepy, to the time I have to be in bed, else im at a real risk of falling asleep doing whatever I am doing. It's not so bad that I've ever fallen asleep when doing anything that actively requires my attention like soldering, or moving about. But given the chance, it'll ambush me.
All of that was a preamble to my aggreement in what you've presented. I think it's likely I started out neglecting sleep for games, which turned into my simply not noticing the signs of being sleepy, and now, a sort of apprehension towards sleep due to the very slim chance I'll remember one of the nightmares that seem to plague me whether I remember the majority of them or not.
Thanks for sharing this, Ryan. It’s interesting how your relationship with sleep has shifted over the years: from pushing it aside, to feeling ambushed by it, to now facing it with a sense of apprehension. The nightmares sound tough, especially not remembering them but still feeling the effects :/
Eh, I've learned to ignore the "effects" in a physical sense, but the images presented in the nightmares I do recall extend beyond the physical. Which is pretty annoying. If it's not obvious, I over-analyze absolutely everything in an attempt to reason my way through what life I have left, but it's a woefully incapable tool much of the time. This is one of them.
Thank you, Jaelynn. I’m glad to hear you found it engaging. And here’s the irony: Walker’s book, which you mentioned in your post, is actually one of my husband’s favourites! Go figure :)
This was such an interesting read, and that first paragraph about your husband being so deep in something late at night? That’s literally my hubby every evening, even though he knows the kids are up at 6.30am without fail. Then every morning, the same loud groan about being tired. The cycle continues. 😂
He used to live on four hours of sleep for years, like, proudly. Now, he sleeps longer but in batches (batch sleeping is now a concept, apparently). We're both self-employed and work from home, so he’s built this... custom sleep routine? I’ve told him over and over that the body always cashes the cheques the mind keeps writing.
This post really had me thinking though, maybe it’s not just about screens or habits, but identity. Masculinity. How rest doesn’t always feel earned unless it’s collapsed into. Interesting. Also hi 🙂
Hello, hello ❤️:)
There are so many precious lines in this comment, Eunice. I’m honestly not sure where to begin. The image of your husband and his “custom sleep routine” made me smile. Also, thank you for introducing me to batch sleeping. But your observation about rest is, in my view, the most insightful of all: “it doesn’t always feel earned unless it’s collapsed into.”
That’s such a sharp observation & one I'll keep thinking about 🤔
Wishing you guys all the best.
Always a pleasure when we connect Dom x
I love this conversation. I see sleep as a debt i must pay daily. so, when I owe I personally see to it that I repay asap, because it might just be at the most dangerous occasion that the body would demand payment.
Thanks for igniting this salient part of our essence as humans.
Mojisola, this is the smartest thing I’ve heard, in terms of wellbeing, for quite a while. What a helpful mindset. I’m sending this to my husband straight away! :D
I have a love/hate relationship with sleep. I've never been a good sleeper. It's interesting for me to read about sleep procrastination. Sleeping with a partner is hard for me. There's nothing more frustrating when you can't sleep than to see your partner deep in slumber when it's 3:30am and your brain won't be quiet. It's taken me decades to get into a mindset that doesn't leave me cranky and moody. I read before I sleep. Whether that means two pages or two books. I just can't fuss about it. I just let my brain do its thing and turn off when it can. I can be super creative at all hours, and I thank insomnia for that. Once I'm asleep? I don't want to wake up! Thanks for this perspective. Love, Virg.
Hi Virg, I’m really glad this offered a new angle on something so familiar to you. Sleep sounds like it’s been a long, complicated companion, both a challenge and a space where your creativity lives. I also love reading books (fiction) in bed!
Thank you for such a lovely comment :)
this was a beautiful and very pointed read, i'm guilty of procrastinating on sleep! it's something i am actively working on but i think it's a result of social pressure and confrontation, atleast for me. i'm surrounded by people who sleep extremely late (2am, 3am, even 6am!!), while i don't go to bed that late, there is a sense of having to catch up, as if by sleeping i am stealing away time from being productive and studying. studying late into the late is regarded as a mark of a great student. i think partly this comes from the structure of my society (days are packed with school and tuition). i also think it results from fear--a fear to confront certain memories. i think all procrastination in a way stems from aversion to confrontation. but nonetheless i am definitely making a shift in my routine and this essay was the perfect push in the right direction. thank you!!
Prakruthi, thank you for sharing such a rich and reflective response :)
You have articulated something so many of us feel but rarely pause to examine: the tension between societal rhythms & personal needs. That constant sense of having to “catch up” shows how deeply ideas of productivity have seeped into our relationship with time, even at night!
Studying late as a perceived mark of excellence is one of those persistent beliefs. It's unhelpful because it becomes an inaccurate internal measure of worth. And you are right. When our days are packed with constant activity, the night often becomes the only space left for avoidance or confrontation.
I agree with seeing procrastination as a form of aversion to confrontation. There is courage in recognising that, not just intellectually but emotionally :) I am glad to hear you are already making shifts in your routine. It is not always easy, especially when it means stepping outside the tempo of those around us! But small changes are often the ones that make the most significant changes in our wellbeing.
Thank you again for such an open and thoughtful reflection!
Be Well.
I totally understand, wanting to have extra time to win stuff after a busy day. However, if I don’t strictly guard my sleep hygiene, which includes after a certain time before bed at least an hour no screens then I pay the price the next day with a fuzzy head and I am not regulated emotionally. I can tend to be kind of weepy, which is not very helpful in my job as a therapist lol
😅 Oh no ...
Same here, I always pay the price the next day, and have what I call "a zombie day!"
Thank you for stopping by Nicole :)
There's so many reasons that contribute to my lack of sleep. This is definitely one of them! I don't think it helps that I feel more awake on a night than any other time. (delayed onset sleep disorder) Although I'm currently doing better with the addition of naps when I'm able.
But, is your sleep restful, Mark?
Haha not really, the best sleep is when I just conk out on the sofa with no warning and wake up naturally. Few and far between!
Hey my friend 👋 this is a wake up call for me. So I'm not ginna, say more, need to figure out how I'm gonna fix this. The only thing I'll mention is that as one gets older it would seem you don't need eight hours of sleep i.e. an hour or two less sleep is notmal. This is what I got when I checked my own experience. Thanks again...
Love never fails 🌾
Hey Horseman, I love the way you're taking this in so openly! And yes, a lot of people do notice changes in their sleep patterns as they get older (even if the need for it doesn’t necessarily diminish for all of us). Wishing you steadiness as you figure out what works best for you <3
For as long as I can remember sleeping I have slept far less than the average person. In Highschool, I was the very picture of what you describe, staying up until 4am playing Diablo 2 or Counter-Strike before catching a couple hours of sleep before having to get to school. Never really noticed side effects of this until I was older, in my mid twenties. At that point in my life I was staying up for different reasons; I simply could not seem to get tired but there was a caveat in that awake as I generally felt, after enough time passed it was like the lost hours compounded until a point in which I slept for a full 8 hours, and then starting the clock over again.
Now, in my forties, sleep is the same familiar stranger to me but for yet another reason than prior ones. Nightmares. I generally do not remember my dreams. Maybe 2 or 3 a year will break through to my waking memory but I have been told on more than one occassion that I talk coherently, argue.....a lot....loudly, and thrash about. I can verify the last bit, as anyone that's ever been in the same bed as me while I sleep has been elbowed or struck in some manner, even my dogs, whom I love more than anything on this earth beyond my Mother.
Thing is that I still have sleep creep up on me in the same manner. As if the hours put on hold compound and then jump on me whenever the threshold is reached. I have never been able to fight sleep effectively, even now. It's like a timer is set from the point in which I feel sleepy, to the time I have to be in bed, else im at a real risk of falling asleep doing whatever I am doing. It's not so bad that I've ever fallen asleep when doing anything that actively requires my attention like soldering, or moving about. But given the chance, it'll ambush me.
All of that was a preamble to my aggreement in what you've presented. I think it's likely I started out neglecting sleep for games, which turned into my simply not noticing the signs of being sleepy, and now, a sort of apprehension towards sleep due to the very slim chance I'll remember one of the nightmares that seem to plague me whether I remember the majority of them or not.
Thanks for sharing this, Ryan. It’s interesting how your relationship with sleep has shifted over the years: from pushing it aside, to feeling ambushed by it, to now facing it with a sense of apprehension. The nightmares sound tough, especially not remembering them but still feeling the effects :/
Eh, I've learned to ignore the "effects" in a physical sense, but the images presented in the nightmares I do recall extend beyond the physical. Which is pretty annoying. If it's not obvious, I over-analyze absolutely everything in an attempt to reason my way through what life I have left, but it's a woefully incapable tool much of the time. This is one of them.
I love any conversation about sleep—it’s such an underrated health hack! Thank you for this engaging and important article. I actually wrote a piece on sleep recently as well—would love for you to check it out and hopefully find a few gems in there too: https://open.substack.com/pub/shirebonsainet/p/the-one-health-upgrade-you-cant-afford?r=2ylb3o&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
Thank you, Jaelynn. I’m glad to hear you found it engaging. And here’s the irony: Walker’s book, which you mentioned in your post, is actually one of my husband’s favourites! Go figure :)
“Why We Sleep” by Matthew Walker is my Bible.
I read it as bedtime reading to put me to sleep.🤣🤣
Jokes aside, he is the doyen on sleep.
I agree! And an awesome writer :) I prefer reading fiction when I'm in bed.
Oh wow! That is very ironic 😂