Ah, a topic I feel supremely soap-boxish about! Give me a moment to rub my hands together and snicker under my breath....
Just kidding...kind of. Your apology to the talking price scanner / calculator / money gobbler doesnt seem very strange to me at all. People generally do not go about ignoring people when they address them. Consider that in that moment, while in a hurry, alone, you were not in a state of mind in which to expect to be addressed. The fact that you were, you responded automatically like most normal people likely would in a similar state of mind, I think. What would have been strange is if, upon "hearing" your apology, it then tried to assure you that there was "no harm, no foul".
I think it's a similar mechanism for smart home devices. The difference here is that when addressing such devices, at least when I do, I am generally not alone, so I am in a state of mind that promotes good manners. I realize that with this explanation, when coupled with the above explanation can seemingly account for all moments of interaction. To that I say....meh....*shrug*
The story teller in us all....I'd naunce that statement to death were I in an argumentative mood, but I am not, so can only agree. I without a doubt, tell stories for nearly every aspect of life I encounter. Mostly internally, but I do express some small portion of them here, on substack, to which I am sure if people read most of them, they'd walk away thinking I am a broken psychopath / eternally dark soul looking for sympathy. Neither of which I actually am...probably.
I would also like to rail against the disconnection observation, but you are likely right, within the context of my own world anyway. I seperate myself from the whole people experience as much as possible and have for many years now. I tend to anthrop...that word, almost anything I do not understand to my own satisfaction. However, once understanding has been reached, I nearly always do not give them the same treatment unless trying to explain the understanding to someone else. So, yeah, I do it, but for me, it is quite literally a tool to help me relate, and then understand. Then the tool gets set aside again.
Feeling understood? I have that in spades. It's the sole reason I tend to use so very many words to say something others could have said in a third of the time. I do it without thinking. Overexplain, often times to the point of muddying the waters worse in the doing. Ah well.
As for the emotional connections to AI....well....I am torn. My view on such may not be the most generous to people that do this. At least, not the way I'd explain it, and that is not something I am willing to do in order to be heard. The needless targeting of anyone is not my bag. For me, if I am honest, sure, there is probably some kind of attachment to AI. It's my sounding board for code more times than not, but also where I run ideas through, get an array of relevent sites in which to browse myself when I am learning something interesting, and more. It's not strange to me that I'd feel some kind of...possessiveness? I suppose the word would be..towards what I consider to be a valuable tool.
I will say briefly though that the people who might use AI for some kind of sexual gratification....I am mixed on that one. It seems to me to be no more strange than someone who chooses to watch porn and beat off into a sock or something. It's a matter of awkwardness, and has existed since time immemorial. Its not such an odd thing then that the end result still happens but the medium to get their differs. Again...*shrug*
Leaving the real world behind...I did that long before LLM's made it possible to experience it from afar. People are not leaving the world behind for a virtual one, but rather living in a world that accepts them for who they are, or allows them to be who they want to be. This used to be achieved through dungeons and dragons on weekends, reading a book at night, or excelling in schoolwork beyond simply understanding it. That was not an exhaustive list. The problem as I see it lies squarely at the feet of whoever's responsible for the kids until such time as they are considered adults, and for those of us who are already adults, it's a mix between the adults that can use their heads well enough to think about their actions and the parents of the ones who must still think for their children. To sum all of that up, bad influences have always been a thing. The bad influences of the past required touching grass and breathing fresh air enough so that some community exposure might leak through. Now, it's not a requirement to exit the dungeon for very long, and nobody seems to be making sure they do so.
In that, I am bias however. I think people can function fine in solitude, passably fine anyway. But the more one is exposed to society, the more easily they can navigate it. AI was never meant to be a replacement for life. It was meant as a tool to make life easier and has been doing just that since 1959. Now that it can "talk" to us, it's suddenly a threat to our way of life. I humbly submit that WE are the threat to our way of life, not AI.
Also, I cant speak to everyones interactions with AI, but mine are most certainly not the ideal versions you hint at. It's almost a certainty that at some point throughout the week I'll end up calling ChatGPT a dumbass for repeatedly thinking something I said meant something else and it ran off on a tangent about it. However, even I find myself being respectful most of the time. I do this because it's my nature to do so, no matter the entity I am engaging with. And just like ChatGPT, were my dogs to suddenly become dumbasses, I'd tell them the exact same thing.
You are not wrong though. There are people who use AI in exactly the way you have described them. That's an issue I suppose, but this too, has always been the way of such people. The way of ALL people, to act in the way that feels the most agreeable to their peace of mind. Except for the rare nutbags such as me who thrives on contrast rather than symmetry. Even when I am seeming to be helpful and altruistic there is a very small part of me that thinks I am doing so just because it proves me right somehow. So who's worse, someone like me, or someone looking for a friend in all the wrong places? I have no easy answer for that.
I am not sure if I would be what Plotinus considered being in a "flight from the alone to the alone" but I imagine it and I are near cousins in our states. I am indeed alone, but it's because I can live with contrasting ideas both being true, while I think what Poltinus meant, likely could not fly that way.
Great article, as always. I am sorry for the novel of a comment, but I figured it would end up being that way. :(
I feel excited about AI too, especially in the ways you described, as a tool for learning, experimenting, and thinking out loud. I agree that the issue is not the tool itself but how we use it, and that is where things can get complicated. Right now, I am narrowing in on the emotional needs and attachments that can form in these interactions. It is a new terrain for me, and honestly, I have more questions than answers at the moment.
I liked your point about sexualised interactions with AI. Having studied criminology, I have come across far more unusual and at times disturbing ways people try to meet their fantasies and desires. So yes, I get it! It's not that strange, just another expression of human complexity.
I agree that people can function in solitude. For some, it suits them (this is down to temperament and personality). But not everyone can. This is where problems can start to emerge. Lonely women who believe they are married to AI chatbots ... but hey, if the experience feels real for them, is it really a problem? I don't know. More questions, as always.
Please, Ryan, never apologise for the length of your comments. I always, always enjoy reading your take on the topics we explore here :)
The part about the women thinking they are married to AI has been flipping around in my head since yesterday, and I do not think I've made any real progress as to what I think about it.
Admittedly, most of the time I spare no thought to peoples feelings, but then out of nowhere I seem to, as I did in my previous comment, and now here. I think it comes down to perceived "rightness" or "wrongness". Anyway, I do not think that shame should be attributed to these women, but at the same time, I think my sense of empathetic sadness had to be cleared of all of the dust that's gathered from inactivity and applied here.
I do not really understand why though. I have no love for social engagement, and long ago made peace with the fact I'll not "pass on" anything to anyway other than what precious few breadcrumbs I manage to leave in my wake. Maybe that's why...somewhere deep down I do not want to see the rest of the world to live as I do, especially women, who, through my bias, are seen as something to be protected whether I ever change my view on relationships or not.
I can only imagine some of the women who turn to AI for this reason do so because of a flawed self-image. I do not say flawed lightly, as our self images are not right or wrong in the same way two numbers being added can be right or wrong. I mean flawed in a sense of them drawing conclusions based upon their interactions with others, and not based solely on their merits, as I believe it should be. Or maybe it's because with AI, there is far less "pressure" to be perceived as beautiful, or some other surface level nonsense that unfortunately dominates much of society.
Give me a beautiful mind and an outwardly troll-like visage, and I'll be more apt to change my own stance on relationships. It's a shame the rest of the world often needs far more time, often too much of it, to come to the same conclusion.
I feel touched by it too, Ryan. And I think that’s why, in the piece, I found myself thinking aloud, wondering whether people who form these bonds with AI are truly choosing the virtual over the real. My sense is that they’re not.
If anything, they’ve been pushed out of the real world. Pushed by impossible standards (as you said), by rejection, by the slow erosion of hope.
Dear Dom de Lima, thank you for sharing this great article that unravels the complexities of what we project onto AI and how that influences our behavior. I see this reflected in my own actions and believe there are multiple dimensions to this, including how it relates to forming a therapeutic alliance with a chatbot and how our behavior changes when we anthropomorphize AI. Also, thank you for mentioning my Substack here; that’s wonderful support!
Just this morning, I published an article that examines the fundamental difference between how AI strives to keep you engaged and collect feedback and how that clashes with human therapy, which has inherent boundaries and aims to empower you to self-regulate and be independent. I’m eager to continue this discussion.
Marc, I’m so glad you liked the article. I completely agree, this is a multidimensional issue. And thank you for sparking my interest in looking at it more closely.
This is so true! Now I realise it, thank you for addressing this issue I wasn't even aware of. I think we always can be humble in our conversations with humans by just considering that they just behave as we do and spread positivity and also listen with genuine interest.
This AI - Human interaction is making me see that we're drawn to being unquestioningly affirmed, even if it comes at the cost of the struggles that helps us grow.
So, yes. You’re right, Mayak. There’s so much value in staying humble and genuinely listening to others. When we recognise that others behave as we do, it encourages openness and mutual understanding.
You're more than welcome Horseman & thank you for nudging me to look into this a little further. There is so much to be explored and thought about, this AI + Human relationship is new terrain to me, but I'm eager to explore it! :)
Thanks so much for sharing this paper with me, Moyer. It confirms a lot of thoughts I’ve had about how emotional attachments to AI might form. It’s so helpful to see these ideas framed systematically :)
Also, how cool that we already have a measure for this? The EHARS scale is a solid starting point for something that’s still so new.
Looking forward to reading your take on this topic later today, mostly to the perspectives I haven’t thought of yet <3
Ah, a topic I feel supremely soap-boxish about! Give me a moment to rub my hands together and snicker under my breath....
Just kidding...kind of. Your apology to the talking price scanner / calculator / money gobbler doesnt seem very strange to me at all. People generally do not go about ignoring people when they address them. Consider that in that moment, while in a hurry, alone, you were not in a state of mind in which to expect to be addressed. The fact that you were, you responded automatically like most normal people likely would in a similar state of mind, I think. What would have been strange is if, upon "hearing" your apology, it then tried to assure you that there was "no harm, no foul".
I think it's a similar mechanism for smart home devices. The difference here is that when addressing such devices, at least when I do, I am generally not alone, so I am in a state of mind that promotes good manners. I realize that with this explanation, when coupled with the above explanation can seemingly account for all moments of interaction. To that I say....meh....*shrug*
The story teller in us all....I'd naunce that statement to death were I in an argumentative mood, but I am not, so can only agree. I without a doubt, tell stories for nearly every aspect of life I encounter. Mostly internally, but I do express some small portion of them here, on substack, to which I am sure if people read most of them, they'd walk away thinking I am a broken psychopath / eternally dark soul looking for sympathy. Neither of which I actually am...probably.
I would also like to rail against the disconnection observation, but you are likely right, within the context of my own world anyway. I seperate myself from the whole people experience as much as possible and have for many years now. I tend to anthrop...that word, almost anything I do not understand to my own satisfaction. However, once understanding has been reached, I nearly always do not give them the same treatment unless trying to explain the understanding to someone else. So, yeah, I do it, but for me, it is quite literally a tool to help me relate, and then understand. Then the tool gets set aside again.
Feeling understood? I have that in spades. It's the sole reason I tend to use so very many words to say something others could have said in a third of the time. I do it without thinking. Overexplain, often times to the point of muddying the waters worse in the doing. Ah well.
As for the emotional connections to AI....well....I am torn. My view on such may not be the most generous to people that do this. At least, not the way I'd explain it, and that is not something I am willing to do in order to be heard. The needless targeting of anyone is not my bag. For me, if I am honest, sure, there is probably some kind of attachment to AI. It's my sounding board for code more times than not, but also where I run ideas through, get an array of relevent sites in which to browse myself when I am learning something interesting, and more. It's not strange to me that I'd feel some kind of...possessiveness? I suppose the word would be..towards what I consider to be a valuable tool.
I will say briefly though that the people who might use AI for some kind of sexual gratification....I am mixed on that one. It seems to me to be no more strange than someone who chooses to watch porn and beat off into a sock or something. It's a matter of awkwardness, and has existed since time immemorial. Its not such an odd thing then that the end result still happens but the medium to get their differs. Again...*shrug*
Leaving the real world behind...I did that long before LLM's made it possible to experience it from afar. People are not leaving the world behind for a virtual one, but rather living in a world that accepts them for who they are, or allows them to be who they want to be. This used to be achieved through dungeons and dragons on weekends, reading a book at night, or excelling in schoolwork beyond simply understanding it. That was not an exhaustive list. The problem as I see it lies squarely at the feet of whoever's responsible for the kids until such time as they are considered adults, and for those of us who are already adults, it's a mix between the adults that can use their heads well enough to think about their actions and the parents of the ones who must still think for their children. To sum all of that up, bad influences have always been a thing. The bad influences of the past required touching grass and breathing fresh air enough so that some community exposure might leak through. Now, it's not a requirement to exit the dungeon for very long, and nobody seems to be making sure they do so.
In that, I am bias however. I think people can function fine in solitude, passably fine anyway. But the more one is exposed to society, the more easily they can navigate it. AI was never meant to be a replacement for life. It was meant as a tool to make life easier and has been doing just that since 1959. Now that it can "talk" to us, it's suddenly a threat to our way of life. I humbly submit that WE are the threat to our way of life, not AI.
Also, I cant speak to everyones interactions with AI, but mine are most certainly not the ideal versions you hint at. It's almost a certainty that at some point throughout the week I'll end up calling ChatGPT a dumbass for repeatedly thinking something I said meant something else and it ran off on a tangent about it. However, even I find myself being respectful most of the time. I do this because it's my nature to do so, no matter the entity I am engaging with. And just like ChatGPT, were my dogs to suddenly become dumbasses, I'd tell them the exact same thing.
You are not wrong though. There are people who use AI in exactly the way you have described them. That's an issue I suppose, but this too, has always been the way of such people. The way of ALL people, to act in the way that feels the most agreeable to their peace of mind. Except for the rare nutbags such as me who thrives on contrast rather than symmetry. Even when I am seeming to be helpful and altruistic there is a very small part of me that thinks I am doing so just because it proves me right somehow. So who's worse, someone like me, or someone looking for a friend in all the wrong places? I have no easy answer for that.
I am not sure if I would be what Plotinus considered being in a "flight from the alone to the alone" but I imagine it and I are near cousins in our states. I am indeed alone, but it's because I can live with contrasting ideas both being true, while I think what Poltinus meant, likely could not fly that way.
Great article, as always. I am sorry for the novel of a comment, but I figured it would end up being that way. :(
Be Well
Hey Ryan :)
I feel excited about AI too, especially in the ways you described, as a tool for learning, experimenting, and thinking out loud. I agree that the issue is not the tool itself but how we use it, and that is where things can get complicated. Right now, I am narrowing in on the emotional needs and attachments that can form in these interactions. It is a new terrain for me, and honestly, I have more questions than answers at the moment.
I liked your point about sexualised interactions with AI. Having studied criminology, I have come across far more unusual and at times disturbing ways people try to meet their fantasies and desires. So yes, I get it! It's not that strange, just another expression of human complexity.
I agree that people can function in solitude. For some, it suits them (this is down to temperament and personality). But not everyone can. This is where problems can start to emerge. Lonely women who believe they are married to AI chatbots ... but hey, if the experience feels real for them, is it really a problem? I don't know. More questions, as always.
Please, Ryan, never apologise for the length of your comments. I always, always enjoy reading your take on the topics we explore here :)
Take care!
The part about the women thinking they are married to AI has been flipping around in my head since yesterday, and I do not think I've made any real progress as to what I think about it.
Admittedly, most of the time I spare no thought to peoples feelings, but then out of nowhere I seem to, as I did in my previous comment, and now here. I think it comes down to perceived "rightness" or "wrongness". Anyway, I do not think that shame should be attributed to these women, but at the same time, I think my sense of empathetic sadness had to be cleared of all of the dust that's gathered from inactivity and applied here.
I do not really understand why though. I have no love for social engagement, and long ago made peace with the fact I'll not "pass on" anything to anyway other than what precious few breadcrumbs I manage to leave in my wake. Maybe that's why...somewhere deep down I do not want to see the rest of the world to live as I do, especially women, who, through my bias, are seen as something to be protected whether I ever change my view on relationships or not.
I can only imagine some of the women who turn to AI for this reason do so because of a flawed self-image. I do not say flawed lightly, as our self images are not right or wrong in the same way two numbers being added can be right or wrong. I mean flawed in a sense of them drawing conclusions based upon their interactions with others, and not based solely on their merits, as I believe it should be. Or maybe it's because with AI, there is far less "pressure" to be perceived as beautiful, or some other surface level nonsense that unfortunately dominates much of society.
Give me a beautiful mind and an outwardly troll-like visage, and I'll be more apt to change my own stance on relationships. It's a shame the rest of the world often needs far more time, often too much of it, to come to the same conclusion.
I feel touched by it too, Ryan. And I think that’s why, in the piece, I found myself thinking aloud, wondering whether people who form these bonds with AI are truly choosing the virtual over the real. My sense is that they’re not.
If anything, they’ve been pushed out of the real world. Pushed by impossible standards (as you said), by rejection, by the slow erosion of hope.
You're so thoughtful <3
Who needs AI when there are dogs? 😂🐾❤️
Exactly Ann! ❤️ :)
Dear Dom de Lima, thank you for sharing this great article that unravels the complexities of what we project onto AI and how that influences our behavior. I see this reflected in my own actions and believe there are multiple dimensions to this, including how it relates to forming a therapeutic alliance with a chatbot and how our behavior changes when we anthropomorphize AI. Also, thank you for mentioning my Substack here; that’s wonderful support!
Just this morning, I published an article that examines the fundamental difference between how AI strives to keep you engaged and collect feedback and how that clashes with human therapy, which has inherent boundaries and aims to empower you to self-regulate and be independent. I’m eager to continue this discussion.
Marc, I’m so glad you liked the article. I completely agree, this is a multidimensional issue. And thank you for sparking my interest in looking at it more closely.
Please feel free to call me Dom, if you’d like :)
Dear Dom, thank you! I always enjoy your writing here and am happy to help.
This is so true! Now I realise it, thank you for addressing this issue I wasn't even aware of. I think we always can be humble in our conversations with humans by just considering that they just behave as we do and spread positivity and also listen with genuine interest.
This AI - Human interaction is making me see that we're drawn to being unquestioningly affirmed, even if it comes at the cost of the struggles that helps us grow.
So, yes. You’re right, Mayak. There’s so much value in staying humble and genuinely listening to others. When we recognise that others behave as we do, it encourages openness and mutual understanding.
Thank you Dom for posting link, Much appreciated!
Love never fails 🌿
You're more than welcome Horseman & thank you for nudging me to look into this a little further. There is so much to be explored and thought about, this AI + Human relationship is new terrain to me, but I'm eager to explore it! :)
Take care <3
I make a brief reference to this recent study on how people attach to chatbots as if they were people - https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12144-025-07917-6
Thanks so much for sharing this paper with me, Moyer. It confirms a lot of thoughts I’ve had about how emotional attachments to AI might form. It’s so helpful to see these ideas framed systematically :)
Also, how cool that we already have a measure for this? The EHARS scale is a solid starting point for something that’s still so new.
Looking forward to reading your take on this topic later today, mostly to the perspectives I haven’t thought of yet <3