I appreciate how you've traced regret's arc from cognitive mechanism to potential prison—and then to something we might actually work with. The distinction between disappointment and regret through counterfactual thinking is crucial, and you've illustrated it beautifully through Anthony's story.
What strikes me most is your point about imagined freedom. We suffer not just for what we did, but for choices we retrospectively believe we had, even when circumstances left us with none. That's the cruel irony: our capacity for mental simulation, which should help us navigate future decisions, becomes the very thing that torments us about the past.
The neuroscience piece about the default mode network is particularly fascinating. It suggests regret isn't just an emotional state but a mode of neural organization patterns that literally reshape how we process self-referential thought. When rumination becomes our brain's default configuration, we're not just remembering differently; we're experiencing reality through a distorted temporal lens where past and present collapse into each other.
Your framing of psychological maturity as the capacity to tolerate ambiguity resonates deeply. It's not about positive thinking or reframing trauma into triumph. It's about integration—allowing painful experiences to exist as part of our narrative without either defining us completely or being denied entirely.
The shift from "living in regret" to "living with regret" isn't semantic. It's the difference between being imprisoned by counterfactuals and acknowledging them as part of a larger, ongoing story. Anthony's journey toward that acceptance—however incomplete is perhaps the most honest thing we can offer about regret: not resolution, but coherence.
Thanks for engaging with the piece at such depth! I appreciate the care you put into this :)
What you said about imagined freedom is an important point. So much of regret comes from choices we think we had, rather than the ones that were actually available to us. When we start to see that difference, regret often loses some of its sharpness.
And you are right that living with regret is not about erasing it, but about giving it a place in the story without letting it take over.
I'm so glad this piece opened something useful for you. It's a fascinating topic!
Oh, this one really got me thinking. Applying it to losing my son Dom, it is very illuminating, showing why my regrets are so very difficult to shift.
The advice that things could have been worse of course is very difficult to reconcile with. Losing a child does feel like rock bottom for so very long.
I wonder whether this is the place where Gratitude needs to come to the table? I think that’s my most powerful tool atm 🙂Interested in your thoughts, Dom!
You’re welcome! Speaking of gratitude, I really am very grateful for your writing on here, it’s incredibly helpful to understand the workings of my mind 🙏❤️
Thank you! You always write interesting pieces. Not sure why I started thinking about all the times when my risky decisions could have gone wrong but didn’t. I lean into those time often when I feel down. I’m not hurt by regrets, but growing up in a dysfunctional family, I have had to deal with my adult anger over my parents poor decisions. I grew up wishing my life was “normal” like the lives (I believed) my friends’ families were living.
What you describe touches on something essential: how our relationship with the past isn’t only about our own choices, but also about the choices that defined the conditions we grew up in.
From where I stand, it seems as though what once felt like longing for a “normal” life has become a more compassionate understanding of your own story <3
My regrets turn to self-judgement quite rapidly, something my therapist and I are actively working on. I really appreciate this article and the perspective it brings!
Thank you, Joshua :) I think many of us can relate to that turn from regret to self-judgement! But with self-work and time, we can learn to face our choices with honesty (but without harshness) and see them as part of what defined us, not as measures of our worth.
You're right. This was helpful. I have done this about a lot of things in the past and relived and re-guilted myself because of it. Many were things I really had no choice over. Thank you for posting this.
I appreciate how you've traced regret's arc from cognitive mechanism to potential prison—and then to something we might actually work with. The distinction between disappointment and regret through counterfactual thinking is crucial, and you've illustrated it beautifully through Anthony's story.
What strikes me most is your point about imagined freedom. We suffer not just for what we did, but for choices we retrospectively believe we had, even when circumstances left us with none. That's the cruel irony: our capacity for mental simulation, which should help us navigate future decisions, becomes the very thing that torments us about the past.
The neuroscience piece about the default mode network is particularly fascinating. It suggests regret isn't just an emotional state but a mode of neural organization patterns that literally reshape how we process self-referential thought. When rumination becomes our brain's default configuration, we're not just remembering differently; we're experiencing reality through a distorted temporal lens where past and present collapse into each other.
Your framing of psychological maturity as the capacity to tolerate ambiguity resonates deeply. It's not about positive thinking or reframing trauma into triumph. It's about integration—allowing painful experiences to exist as part of our narrative without either defining us completely or being denied entirely.
The shift from "living in regret" to "living with regret" isn't semantic. It's the difference between being imprisoned by counterfactuals and acknowledging them as part of a larger, ongoing story. Anthony's journey toward that acceptance—however incomplete is perhaps the most honest thing we can offer about regret: not resolution, but coherence.
Hey Softwired
Thanks for engaging with the piece at such depth! I appreciate the care you put into this :)
What you said about imagined freedom is an important point. So much of regret comes from choices we think we had, rather than the ones that were actually available to us. When we start to see that difference, regret often loses some of its sharpness.
And you are right that living with regret is not about erasing it, but about giving it a place in the story without letting it take over.
I'm so glad this piece opened something useful for you. It's a fascinating topic!
Oh, this one really got me thinking. Applying it to losing my son Dom, it is very illuminating, showing why my regrets are so very difficult to shift.
The advice that things could have been worse of course is very difficult to reconcile with. Losing a child does feel like rock bottom for so very long.
I wonder whether this is the place where Gratitude needs to come to the table? I think that’s my most powerful tool atm 🙂Interested in your thoughts, Dom!
Hello Esther :) You’re right, when loss reaches that kind of finality, the idea that “it could have been worse” ceases to make sense.
So yes, gratitude here feels like a truer companion, a quality that allows connection to what remains meaningful, even after everything has changed.
Thank you for highlighting the importance of gratitude in this context. A valuable observation indeed! 🙂
You’re welcome! Speaking of gratitude, I really am very grateful for your writing on here, it’s incredibly helpful to understand the workings of my mind 🙏❤️
Thank you, Esther. That means a lot to me, truly :) I’m grateful that what I write finds its way to you in this way ❤️
Thank you! You always write interesting pieces. Not sure why I started thinking about all the times when my risky decisions could have gone wrong but didn’t. I lean into those time often when I feel down. I’m not hurt by regrets, but growing up in a dysfunctional family, I have had to deal with my adult anger over my parents poor decisions. I grew up wishing my life was “normal” like the lives (I believed) my friends’ families were living.
Thank you so much, Ann :)
What you describe touches on something essential: how our relationship with the past isn’t only about our own choices, but also about the choices that defined the conditions we grew up in.
From where I stand, it seems as though what once felt like longing for a “normal” life has become a more compassionate understanding of your own story <3
My regrets turn to self-judgement quite rapidly, something my therapist and I are actively working on. I really appreciate this article and the perspective it brings!
Thank you, Joshua :) I think many of us can relate to that turn from regret to self-judgement! But with self-work and time, we can learn to face our choices with honesty (but without harshness) and see them as part of what defined us, not as measures of our worth.
You're right. This was helpful. I have done this about a lot of things in the past and relived and re-guilted myself because of it. Many were things I really had no choice over. Thank you for posting this.
Thank you for your kind comment Zihna and for inspiring us to revisit our pasts with a more flexible mind. Wishing you all the best.